Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Life Online

It's now old news that I'm experimenting for a month with an online dating site. The process has followed a predictable pattern: One of us contacts the other via the dating site; emails are exchanged; a date is set; phone numbers are traded in case of last minute conflict; a text message or email is forwarded before the date to confirm; the date happens; a followup text message or email is sent thanking the other for a nice time (or not).

Quick. Simple. Easy. Efficient. I love this.

So when someone wants to change the formula I'm put on guard - as happened with this one particular suitor who contacted me via the site. Let's call him "B." B wanted to talk on the phone. I hate the phone. I explained that my reception is bad and text is better but he called anyway. And he talked at me for 20 minutes. I shouldn't say that. He clearly had my profile open on his monitor because he was referring to things I posted on the site ("... here on page 2 you say ..."). At the end of the "conversation" he said that he is looking for "beauty with brains" and that I seemed right for the job ... er, date. Seriously - it was as if he were interviewing me for a business position - but telling me all about the company (him) without asking about the reluctant applicant....

After the phone call I considered breaking the date, but friends said that maybe he was just nervous ... give him another chance .... If nothing else, I decided to stew on it a few days and decide (a'la Ms. O'hara) later.

The next two nights, at around 9, I received text messages from B saying, "sweet dreamz... :)" On the third day a photo was sent... I downloaded it and was relieved to see a view of the SF Bay.... The whole thing was feeling kind of weird, but the date was a couple of days away and, I told myself, I could pull out anytime.

I didn't have to.

Just as I was snoozing off last night, at about the time "sweet dreamz :)" had been popping up on my phone, I received this instead (SIC):
U on Twitter now, tweeting about everything on ur mind, missing in life, ur lack of a relationship with a real and; highly employed Jewish man, about ur college date rape or near one in Israel, what u ate or drank in dirty Berkeley ....omg how PATHETIC.
 Um, what? I was awake now, and texted back, "Really? Wow."
I made plans ... 2 meet a real high-end woman looking 4 a real relationship with a great guy. Take care get a highly talented PhD therapist, bye :)
I recognize that my online life is transparent - sometimes uncomfortably so - and I expect there will be  judgements made. I'm also not naive, and am fully aware that if I give someone my phone number they can do a reverse search on Google and find me instantly. If a guy wants to stalk me --- I mean --- check me out before a date, they are privy to a lot of information. It's happened before - the reactions are telling.

Admittedly I've put some stuff out there that definitely could be considered pathetic, however, the post to which B. was referring is candid and raw. It speaks about deceit and violence and how events can twist your life in ways never expected. It's about growth. There is nothing pathetic about it. That he reels against this particular piece of writing reveals almost as much about him as the post does about me. Following it up with a crotch shot to my home town ("dirty Berkeley") was unnecessary and frankly, irrelevant.

Clearly this guy was not worth meeting in the first place. Perhaps my on-line life will continue to work as a screen to filter out the assholes, but I worry that it could scare some men off. And while I may be a reflection of what I put up here, no one can really know me until they spend time with me. IRL. And even then, I'm complicated.

Happily so.


  1. You are looking at this from the right perspective. It's better to expose the real you before hand so that people don't get unrealistic expectations for you. You throw your life out there online and either they're going to accept it or they're not and they're not worth getting into a relationship with. You were right to give the guy the second chance after first talking to him but after then his true creepy selfishness came out. Just remember that there will be better out there for you. These experiences in life make you a better person.

  2. Wow. What an asshole. And, I suspect, insecure about NOT being "highly employed." Better it happens in a text and not in a restaurant you might care to return to some day.

  3. @Tony - I figure it's all just material... for a learning and story-telling.

    @Ken - would you believe the guy is a doctor? A physician! It's true.

  4. Oh jeebus. What a freak show. I don't like making snide little statements like that (oh wait, yes I do), but come on. This is one of those "definitely better off without him" situations, eh?

  5. wow, it sounds like you had quite a lucky escape there, this guy clearly has some issues to deal with. Don't feel bad about sharing your life, i love reading updates!!

  6. wow, you dodged a schmuck-bullet. good thing he freaked out now rather than during an in-person meeting. also...just because you can "stalk" someone before a date doesn't mean it's the right thing to do. he completely violated trust before your first meeting! HE is the pathetic one. In one text message he showed you he has the intellect and self control of a child!

  7. Wow, just wow. lol

    Though as a general rule I recommend you avoid people who replace S's with Z's (except ironically, say in the case of 'interwebz').

    It's an interesting point that you make though. I have a tendency towards posting my most inner thoughts and clearly that's overshare for a lot of people. We should revert back to inspirational quotes and jokes about whatever the current television ratings bonaza is...

  8. Wow! Just wow! What an asswipe. The fact that he actually threw rape in your face is completely inexcusable and highly inappropriate. I feel for you, girl. There are some real crazies out there. Dating, and online dating in particular is definitely an uphill battle but one that has it's perks if able to meet the right person.

  9. What a dumbass.

    Hey, we take big risks when we put ourselves out there online, and the consequences can be very real. I've definitely missed out on dates with potential once the woman found out I'm "the dating dad." But I've also been complimented on my honesty and openness, and those kudos mean more to me.

    You know what you're getting yourself into when you decide to disclose. You know that the scenario of the spiteful (or, more likely, cowardly) dickhead is possible. But you also know that someone who truly appreciates and gets you — the real you — won't have a problem with your motivation and ability to share.

  10. follow your first gut next time.
    no reason to give anyone a 2nd chance before you've met them.
    no more rationalizing why a guy is nice when he is not!! if your gut tells you, no need for factual evidence.
    the gut is enough!

  11. Hmm... Well, this guy's obviously an asshole.

    However, speaking as a part of the XY chromosome crew, I have to say that sometimes your posts to social networks cross the "pause for the cause" boundaries in relation to being "datable."

    Maybe a good suggestion would be to avoid using last names and phone numbers 'til you've had a coffee date with the guy (?) THEN you can unleash the online fury of emotionality that is "BERZERKELY/CORI" :)

  12. Be yourself: It's fabulous, and there's no one else like you. Maybe there is no right guy, or maybe all the right guys are taken, or maybe you'll meet one tomorrow. Whatever, maybe you can still be happy being God's gift to your world.


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