Welp ... I should have started this about 4 weeks ago to truly document what’s been happening but I didn’t and that doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t start. Now. So. Here we go.
Read my tweets (@berzerkeley) if you want to get an idea of what I’ve been feeling up til now... I don’t say much on facebook that’s of any worth... but my Instagram feed might be interesting. I don’t know. It’s up to you.
The two weeks I had without anyone, without the kids, felt ok. I had some momentary freak outs and panic attacks (one early on led me to the doctor who, bless her heart, prescribe Ativan for me so I can occasionally find a level head (half mg) or sleep (whole mg).
The birthday was a little weird, but not unlike a lot of birthdays in the past. I remember one year - must have been 1988 because it was in NY and I spent the day at doing what we NOW call “self care” - the gym, nice lunch at a restaurant (solo), walk around the park (Central). I don’t mind spending my birthday alone as long as I’ve planned it. Which is did. I ordered cupcakes for delivery and dinner from my favorite local restaurant (then Beau - it’s what we’ll call the fellow in my life) Venmo’d me money because he had wanted to do all that and I beat him to it. I’m just so used to taking care of me ... I didn’t even think to wait. Ha.
I spent the birthday weeding the front yard and it looks great now. Super happy with it. .. Actually maybe another couple of hours to put in, but wow such a difference. (Again - that’d be my instagram feed for photo proof of that).
When it came time for the kids to come home to me (they had been with their dad for 2 weeks and we decided that 2 weeks between visits is the safest (?really who the fuck knows? It’s what we decided, might not be right for your split family but I think it will be ok ours. We’ll see. Again who the fuck knows) I flipped out and had a panic attack. I was afraid they’d bring germs here or they’d pick up mine here.... They calmed me down (and half Ativan) and as it turned out only Joe ended up coming. Apparently the kids decided they needed a break from each other. Ohkay. Would have liked to know but whatever. Choosing battles is easier now.
So when Joe arrived - who I’d not seen since January = I found myself afraid to touch him. I’d not touched anyone’s in 16 days or more... I was hesitant which felt so wrong.
I think this shelter in place is going to be a 9-12 month venture. Maybe longer. A lot of innovation will happen - good. Unionizing among grocers, delivery people, and other “essential” employees will happen with support of the public. The economy will never ever be the same as what it was and that’s ok. Maybe even good. I hope I live through it. More so I hope my kids and my parents live through it because death from this is lonely. Nobody can be by your side. You’re infectious. I can’t bear to think of any of them suffering this way. I wrecks me. This is when I seek the Ativan.
But for now I’ll take a walk. With Sam. Because Joe is jumping rope in the backyard and I’m getting bossy. And stressed. Yeah. Bye.